Hello â¨
I hope you're doing well. On my end, I'm doing quite alright, AlhamduliLah. This week was a gentle one & I learnt more about interacting with people (Honesty doesn't always have to be in the moment)
Today's edition of the newsletter comes with a trigger warning. I'll be talking about suicide & it'll be unfiltered for the most part.
Please feel free to stop reading here if you know this topic triggers you x
If you'll be going further, please note that in this particular edition, I'm sharing my personal experiences and not necessarily speaking from the lens of a professional.
[september is suicide awareness & prevention month]
this edition of the newsletter is dedicated to everyone who at any point in their lives, have had to deal with suicidal ideations or have attempted to die by suicide.
I see you. you are not alone. there is hope. now and always.
Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.
Tiffanie DeBartolo
Whenever I see this quote and different variations of it on the internet, I remember 2018. 2018 was a funny year for me. I had finished A-levels, I was volunteering for several organisations and by all accounts, I was doing well.
But the truth was that, although I was highly functional, I was struggling a lot with my mental health. And I struggled to the point where I wanted to take my life.
On this particular day - I canât quite remember what day of the week it was, I recall going to the drug bowl on the fridge in my house and looking through it & wondering which would be the easiest to use to die.
I thought about taking several tablets of paracetamol but I remembered seeing somewhere that, that was more likely to cause liver issues and not necessarily death. The horror, I thought. Trying to die and ending in the hospital with (probably permanent) liver problems.
Next, I went to the kitchen, picked up a knife and started playing with it. I think I was already crying at this point. I was just so tired.
Up until today, Iâm still not sure what made me drop the knife and reach out to my friend who was a psychologist.
Thankfully, he helped me out of that state I was & I'm forever grateful to him for that.
We talked a bit and he told me a variation of the quote above. âI know you don't want to die, you just want to stop feeling this painâ
Now, I'm a Muslim and I know that suicide is haram (forbidden) but honestly, it was the last thing on my mind at the point where I wanted to take my life.
This reminds of an analogy I learnt from Victor Ugo, the founder of MANI. Imagine a fly trapped in a turned-over tea cup. There's a lot outside of that cup, but the fly can only see what is inside the cup.
And for people who have suicidal ideation with intent, this is how it is. They can't see beyond their pain or how they want to die.
If they're thinking of people, they're thinking of what a relief it would be for people that they no longer exist. They're thinking of how they'll stop being a burden and free people of them and their problems.
When I wanted to take my life, I thought about how I'd stop being a burden to everyone - my parents, my siblings & friends.
In my mind, I was doing a good thing.
This is why I've always found it ridiculous when people say suicide is selfish. Far from it. Ask anyone who has attempted to die by suicide, apart from their pain that they want to end, they're also thinking of free-ing people from them and their problems.
Another ridiculous quote I see around is this âSuicide does not end the pain, it just passes it to someone elseâ Really? You don't mean it? I get that this might be coming from a good place - trying to get people who have suicidal ideations to think of the people around them. But remember the fly in a cup analogy? Yep.
The worst quotes for me are these two:
âsay No to suicideâ - Do we really think that people want to say Yes to suicide? That if they lived in a society that prioritised mental health care and if they got all the support and help they needed, they would say Yes to suicide? The phrase, for me, just highlights performative activism. We need to do better.
âsuicide is not an optionâ - Suicide IS an option. But the goal or aim, I suppose, is for people to not pick it as their option. Saying it isn't an option, to me, feels like dismissing it and hoping that solves the problem. Trust me, it doesn't.
I believe there are far better ways to support people who have suicidal ideations than sharing or saying these ridiculous quotes.
Below are two ways;
⢠Awareness -
How can you support some one when you have little or no knowledge about what they're going through?
My lovely Hauwa Ojeifo of SheWritesWoman always says this (paraphrased) âEven if you think you're mentally aware, there is still a lot you don't knowâ
Seeking knowledge about mental health is important. Not only for you to be able to support people, but also for yourself.
Everyone has a mental health (just like physical health) and we'll ALL experience issues/challenges/problems with our mental health at some point in our lives.
Being aware about mental health allows you to learn how to deal with life challenges in a healthy manner, build good coping strategies and generally improve your mental well-being.
A short awareness lesson on suicide;
I'm sure the question âwhy do people die by suicideâ has crossed your mind. âWhat was so bad that was happening with Nusaybah that she wanted to kill herselfâ.
The thing is, there is no one right answer.
Like every other mental health condition, it varies from individual to individual and there are different biopsychosocial-spiritual factors to look into.
Some general risk factors include -
⢠A previous suicide attempt
⢠A family history of suicide
⢠Difficult life events, such as experiencing a traumatic childhood or physical or emotional abuse
⢠Stressful life events like a relationship ending or losing your job
⢠Feeling hopeless
⢠Feeling isolated or not having social support
⢠Anger at other people, often due to perceived or real mistreatment
⢠Acute emotional distress
⢠Excessive use of drugs or alcohol
⢠Living with a mental health condition
⢠Having a physical health condition, especially if this causes chronic pain or serious disability
⢠Problems at work
One or more of these could predispose someone to act on their suicidal ideations.
⢠Patience & Kindness -
This is sooo important and I can't stress it enough. People who struggle with suicidal ideations or have unsuccessfully attempted suicide, need all the patience & kindness they can get from the people around them.
For my friends who struggle with suicidal ideations, I say things like âI'm grateful for your presence in this worldâ âThank you for getting through the dayâ âThank you for survivingâ, I help them get professional help when I can (some support is mentioned at the end of this newsletter). I occasionally check-in on them, I create safe spaces for them and let them know that they can talk to me.
For my friends who have attempted suicide, I visit them in the hospital, bring them gifts and things I think might bring some happiness, I talk to them about their attempt (talking to someone about suicide doesn't mean they'll attempt it because of that).
Whatever patience and kindness looks like, do it.
There's a pandemic no one is paying attention to & it's a mental health pandemic.
A lot of people are struggling and there's no adequate support to help them get better and properly manage their mental health.
Can you relate with any of these?
If yes, it might be a sign to get some professional support. This doesn't mean there's âsomething wrong with youâ or that you're âmadâ or âcrazyâ or ânot normalâ.
Just like when you get a headache or you feel some pain in your body, it means that you need to see a doctor to know what's wrong and then get better (either with talk therapy, medications or some other type of interventions)
A gentle reminder that, in this world, we are different from each other and thus, have different thresholds to deal with pain & life challenges.
Some people might be inclined to think that âmental healthâ âsuicideâ are âGen-Z thingsâ
They're not. They're just being talked about more in the open now. And I'm grateful for this (so should you)
A mentally healthy society is one that is more productive, happier and economically successful.
But to have this, the work starts with you and I.
Thank you for getting to the end of today's newsletter. Whether you've let go of a stereotypical belief, you've gained (more) clarity or you've found a safe space, I hope something has changed for you.
If you're a Muslim and you'd like a safe space to talk, please feel free to reach out to Mind Conditions Initiative , an organisation focused on providing mental health education & support to Muslims (the org is one of the projects I'm proud to have brought to life)
Alternatively, you can reach out to MANI or SheWritesWoman, two organisations I've worked for in the past. They do necessary & important work in the mental health space.
All these organisations offer FREE support so please don't hold back.
Until next time.
Lots of love,
Nusaybah xo.
Thank you for this piece really â¤
Thank you!!!